You, me and everyone else.

The rain seems to be as fickle as we all are now a days.

I've been feeling better, trying to look on the up side of things. There really is no point dwelling. I think I'm going to take a break from trying to figure people out. Lately my take with personal relationships have been horrible.

It just occured to me that i'll be celebrating Vday alone this year after such a long time! I'm actually excited. Just to sidetrack for a second, cheese doughnuts are so yum! I've been having doughnuts all day, the round ones on a stick and the ordinary circular one. I am such a doughnut addict. Glazed truly is the best!

Misunderstandings occur, more often than we'd like to think so. And when the time comes for you to really shine, you do your best to gleam as brightly as the sun. Its sad to say I feel disappointed that you choose to see your reasons before mine. But that's really just you. I don't blame you for the choices you make. I don't blame you for anything else actually. And I most certainly, don't blame myself for having did what I did.

So you see, that's where misunderstandings come in. There's you and there's me, then there's everybody.

I hope the days take for a turn. I miss the sun.

Oh f*cking great ep 1

So today I woke up with a heavy heart.
This post is going to be filled with a lot of angst so if you don't want your day ruined, I suggest you close your browser.

There are things about people that I don't get at all. Yeah sure I get that people may count many things different important to them but in exchange of comprehending theirs, aren't they supposedly asked to do the same? Its stupid how one person can ruin everything. How weak people can truly be when it comes right down to them to shine. But somehow when it comes down to me, I may falter a little here and there but at least I get my fucking feet back on the shitty ground. Its like, my feelings don't count but everyone else's does? I'm starting to think that people are generally the same. How honesty doesn't seem to burn anymore in everyone I see. How trust is just a word people decide to recide in just because its always been an important element in a relationship. Come on, don't just fucking say it if you don't mean it. Trust IS an important element to me. I do give two friggin' shits about honesty, I do know what i'm looking for.

Being pre percieved just pisses me off even more. For the past few months I've dealt with this with what feels like a million times. Everywhere I go, I feel prying eyes trying to get to me. Maybe my paranoia does get the better of me sometimes but there is no doubt that how I feel never is taken to account. Again, I stress that. How people percieve me affects the way you look at me cause from what I've seen so far, you falter so much easier than I do. And just because I don't turn up one day when you're feeling so down, I get crucified for it. Oh right, nice. How about the times you let me down? Have you ever spared a thought to how I felt? I sincerely doubt so. You give me a reason saying you're a private person. I felt that wasn't enough to cover the damage but I still accepted it. Now I tell you I was frustrated and I needed a friend to confide in and to figure out why I was down and you tell me thats not good enough.


I told you I did want to look for you. I even planned on bringing over comfort food and suggested we head out for a walk and talk so you'd feel better. Rather than being imprisoned at home and feeling mellow. Then, I realised that I forgot you had a test. You tell me you trust me but not him but it seems like you've placed us both under the same category and I will not stand by that. If thats how you choose to percieve me, I really can not be bothered less. I won't push for approval. I'm fucking tired of trying to please people, to take their problems in to consideration and leave mine at the door mat right before I enter their homes.

This is just stupid. I feel like I'm fighting for all the wrong people and reasons. You know when you wish there was someone different and he just seemed to come along, well I've got awesome news for you. HE does not exist. Well at least for me or maybe i'm just bitter and pissed currently.

I think I am going to die with a million cats by myself in an old shabby apartment on lonliness avenue.
Haha.

And that concludes my first episode on oh f*cking great.
D.

Have a great weekend

Morning everyone!

I'm going to make it an effort to not have this post not written in code. To all my readers, holla! How has 2011 been for you guys? Mine's been pretty alright so far. A couple of bumps over the month but hopefully things will roll on smoothly with the upcoming months to anticipate! It's 9.17 in the am now and I'm dead bored. I've been scouting for good music to listen to all morning and looking up a screenwriting programme by Sinema Academy of Moton Pictures. I haven't landed on much yet but it does seem quite appealing to me. Speaking of appeal, I've applied for a transfer to do my next semester in Singapore! They havent't gotten back to me, probably by next Thursday. I'm actually kinda bummed about not going back, though its not written in stone yet. A part of me wants to stay but a whole other portion can't wait to leave! Len's excited, he's like "you're gonna stay!" Hahaha he's so adorable, really. I realise I haven't given Len a proper introduction. Len's short for Lenard if you must know. I won't tell you his life story cause well..that would be intrusive but he's 5 years older than I am and a total sweetheart. Mmm. Almost.

I hope 2011 has been rubbing off well for everyone! So far this year, I've lost a good friend due to different mindsets, applied for an appeal to stay in Singapore, became friends with Sean, spent loads of time bonding with those I missed, met a great deal of people and started exercising much regularly. There's more I would like to do, so lets give time the liberity to come on by.

Here's a great year to everyone!

If you're heartbroken, roll off bed and dry your tears. Firstly you look awful. Secondly, get dressed and mend that broken heart with the love from your friends and family. You're more than amazing. Perk up. He can continue taking hikes cause you're already scalling moutains baby haha.

If you're upset for what ever the reason may be. Remember, there are just as many reasons to smile about, so chin up, look around and start looking for those reasons. Everything has a silver lining. Turn that frown upside down! Everyone's been missing that smile they haven't seen in a long while.

With much love,
xoxo

D.

I hate this part right here

I'd like to blindfold myself.

So I could feel how beautiful everything truly is. The bark of an oak tree standing tall for a hundred over years, feeling the rain as it thrusts like needles to the ground, the tremble of vibrations as people walk by, the thumping of a heart as it beats life to every inch of a body, drawing mental pictures of faces you've felt imagining the beauty that lies beneath the core of your palms.

For one day I'd like to walk with my eyes closed.
So I don't have to look at anything and everyone in the face and watch their lies burn their lives black while I pretend to try and see golden silk streaks in their almost hollow fixated souls.

Cause truly, the world stands still as it watches us turn to transparencies before we one day disappear only in to the unreachable invisible.


D.

No excuse

Truly, there are things we can never comprehend.
Why people behave or think the way they do. What or who triggers these thoughts.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and at times we may disagree or never learn about them. We all grow to learn the nature of respecting thoughts and their carriers. Through this timeline, we gain and lose people we once loved or those who we never got a chance to. Bitter as the end may seem, there is no right or wrong, no triumphant or cry of defeat.

If you wish to count the rights and wrongs, you can claim all wins. There is no last say, no scarasm, no discouragement. I'm past being a friend. If you say that all you were doing was thrashing how you felt, I advise you take a good read at what you said before you second that. No, I wasn't trying to reconcile. Again, I have my reasons for not wanting to and I don't have to explain them to you cause clearly, you say to each its own but you can't even respect my opinions. You say I want to be right and live righteously, maybe I do. I want to do the right thing and not be biased to how I feel so at the end of it all, I don't hurt anyone. I may sound like i'm calling praises but I'm not.

As we get older, we learn to be responsible for ourselves. We gain guidance from the people around us and they make us better people. We lift each other up from time to time but friends never make decisions for one another. Don't blame anyone if you have difficulties getting past things. Don't question our whereabouts when you were the one who decided to eliminate everyone and don't say to each its own when you can't even respect everyone else's thoughts. If my efforts were not ample in your context, I apologise.

For being entitled to my own opinions, that I don't apologise for.
If you want to have the last say or if you feel that you're right, go ahead, pin a golden star across your heart and victory is yours.

I thank you for all your efforts, for being a friend no matter the reason or cause. I truly am grateful.

D.

artist in math

Today the world has you tangled in its webs.
Tomorrow you will dip yourself in colors and paint all that is grey.
The day after you will paint a rainbow in everyone you meet.
And the many days that come after, you will teach anyone and everyone to paint.

To paint frowns upside down.
To paint hearts.
To paint sceneries.
To paint emotions.
To paint love.
To paint life.
To paint hope.
To paint belief.

So be a good artist.
Do the world a favour and paint it up with colours it has never seen.


D.

Ritual

With the sun up in your eyes you call the exit of dusk. You take refuge under the sheets with your eyes shut tight in efforts to elude day, face tucked to your side where an only too recurring face staring right back at you, lids enveloping slumber.

You give thanks for the day was good, for the fruits every dawn breaks.
You find apologies for all the wrongs you've made, the bads you can never consolidate.
You pray for the love in all aspects of life.
And lastly, before you leave reality's troubles behind, you give thanks for the recurring face that you'll always live to apprise.

D.

I wonder, where you are now.

Everything begins with a step. One day you find yourself on your feet walking unsteadily reaching out to grasp extended assuring arms and the next, you find yourself running away from the harms of life.

Baby steps may take just a little while more but at the end of the day, you get there. Stumbling, at times unsure of obstacles to come but never enquiring doubt regarding your determination. As seconds tick by, they merge to minutes, stretching to hours and developing in to days, time provides us with the luxury to carefully segretate our thoughts where options lie, new paths to start brand new, to push on. Time aids in the trangression of the memories we contemn so we fill ourselves to the brim during this progession to furthermore eliminate negativity.

What truly baffles me is how and why people rely on time to discount all their troubles. They say "time heals all wounds" when, they devote all their time recollecting these thoughts knowing its damage, pain and misery that follows on with it. Why choke yourself with such dismay?

I always find it imperative to be true to yourself. There are times when we lose track of ourselves, we do what the heart tells us leaving our minds behind. But I believe that one fine day, you will awake, open your eyes and you will question what you've been doing all along.


Now the real question is, are you going to keep doing it?

D.

Under the weather

I'm sitting in front of the television all wrapped up in my blankie watching oprah on hallmark. My nose is clogged right up to my eyes, my head feels as light as a feather, the fever is getting to me yet I'm still in the mood for a magnum gold.

Lots has been running through my mind lately questioning my future, prospective deicisions. Its like a neverending maze in there. Before I sign off, have a great week everyone, I'll update soon. Don't you ever get tired of me speaking in codes?


Goodnight all.
Love, D.

Be the first in line

The air is quiet I can't help but embrace it. Its really quiet solemn nights like these the air stays obsessed with its surroundings choosing to trifle. I've missed long senseless conversations. Its been years since I've had someone special who could stay on the other end of the line and listen to me laugh, ramble about anything and everything. An audio clearance is all that's required. You miss the audio perceptions, imagination, expressions. I just got off the phone with Len and I realised how much I missed that. It makes me feel like a kid again, how the pre dating scheme plays out.

I love being overwhelmed. How the simplest supplements build bonds, how you find yourself smiling, marvelling over a second, a word, a smile. If I had it my way, I wished you could've seen how simple it was. The beauty of simplicity. What ever you are dreaming of, breathing in, I hope that love finds you well. That you are deep in slumber.

For whom I have never had a connection with till now, I wish life catches on with you. That everyone is destined for great instruments, ready to pluck notes from scores you write. My apologies will never find the strength to reach you. So from where I am, I'm sorry. Twisted as things may seem, they will get better. I wish you well.

Goodnight everyone.
D.

Update

The first weekend of 2011 comes to an end, the fun subsides and school resumes. Everyone has a list of resolutions, wanting to accomplish and conquer more. As we get older, responsibilites pour in, emotions run, seriousness becomes a norm. All I really can wish for 2011 is that it'll sum up to another great year.

My luck with cameras and memory cards haven't been the best. About 500 of my photos are lost, hopefully retrievable. In that compliation lies my birthday, zoo, kinky party photos and a minority of christmas photos. My laptop wants me to reformat my card for some unseen reason. I have no idea but it could be a reasonable excuse to get it changed.

Firstly i'd like to thank everyone who wished me a merry christmas, a very happy birthday and a splendid new years and secondly, to those who splashed all their efforts into making my birthday such a fun filled memorable one.


D.